Who’s Afraid Of The Big Bad Wolf
Yes, I know! I’ll huff and I’ll puff and all that.
You may remember the characters from your childhood, or indeed you may have regaled the tales to your children, or they have watched them immortalised by Walt Disney.
We can take so much at face value; not think about it too much. After all, it’s just a fairy tale, it’s not real, is it?
It may be the message of many a fairy tale classic at bedtime, but could it have some deeper meaning or message or even information for us? To me it could be synonymous with whatever we become aware and afraid of in life, then that becomes your version of the big, bad wolf.
Think about what the three little pigs might have felt with the wolf prowling around, demolishing their homes.
Think about the little girl strolling through the woods on her way to see her sick Grandmother and the surprise that awaits there.
What Are Your Fears?
Take a moment to recall your current worries and fears. It’s likely there could be a few given world affairs now, the instability of peace and harmony, the cost-of-living crisis, the problems in our care systems, our hospitals, our schools. Issues in our communities, on our streets and in our homes.
These can pervade our thoughts and affect they way we feel.
Thoughts, feelings, behaviours. These are all inter-linked and the effects cause can be widespread from health issues to depression, anxiety to unsettled sleep, outcry to despair.
If You Are A Parent, What Are Your Kids Fears?
Depending on age and stage of development, it could be the good ol’ monsters under the bed scenario, or friendship problems at school, sibling rivalry, peer pressure, bullying, the need to fit in or stand out.
Growing up can be an exceptionally complex process.
Now add in something they might read, hear or be exposed to that alerts them to dangers and worries outside their usual frame.
Little ones may ask basic questions, ‘why are they fighting?’ or ‘why is Mummy sad all the time?’.
Older kids, who have more opportunity to tap into wider concerns may become withdrawn, angry, more moody or snappy that usual.
How Do You Handle That?
Let me tell you the story of Amy (6 years old) and when her Dad went to hospital in an ambulance in the middle of the night.
I didn’t know Amy and her family when this scary, shocking and unfortunate event happened to them.
No. I began to talk to Amy at the request of her Mum who was concerned about some ‘odd’ behaviour Amy was doing that she had never done before.
She had done all the things we, as parents do, to help solve the puzzle and turn Amy back into the happy, fun-loving little girl she had always been. They had talked, made pictures, talked some more. Mum had asked questions of Amy, her teacher, her grandparents, her siblings. No-one seemed to know what was up.
Amy began to check the windows and doors at night-time before she went to bed. She also insisted on a night-light, seemingly now afraid of the dark in her room. Amy also wet the bed a couple of times. She seemed to need to know where all her ‘important people’ were nearly all of the time.
She slept fitfully, experienced nightmares, her appetite was affected, as was her carefree attitude. In short, she seemed anxious and withdrawn.
We explored what had been going on, if anything in the last couples of months.
Nothing much really. She had normal routines, clear boundaries, there had been no major changes to the make-up of the family unit, no relationship tension was disclosed, so I was at a bit of a loss.
Then came the bombshell.
The parents didn’t realise this was a bombshell because they believed they had handled this situation appropriately.
Dad had suffered what they thought was a heart attack. At home. In the middle of the night.
Mum had sent Amy’s older sister to sit in her room with her whilst the ambulance was called, along with tearful calls to family members for support and help with the children if Mum was to go with Dad to hospital.
Amy was frantic, upset, crying and asking so many questions that her sister just couldn’t answer as no-one knew really what was going on. Then the ambulance arrived, as did Grandma.
Mum and Dad went to hospital, Grandma made hot chocolate and after some calming and shushing, settled both girls back down to sleep.
Amy expected her Mum and Dad to be back for breakfast. Neither of them was. This went on for a few days then Mum was there again. A few days after that Dad reappeared looking very different, not himself at all.
Everything was almost back to normal.
So why did Amy begin to display her strange behaviours?
When children witness a traumatic event and are not given age-appropriate information at the time, several negative psychological, emotional, and developmental consequences can occur. These effects vary by age and individual temperament, but some common outcomes include:
1) Confusion and Misunderstanding
Children naturally try to make sense of what they see or hear. Without proper explanation, they often fill in the gaps themselves, often inaccurately.
Young children may blame themselves for what happened, especially if adults are withdrawn or act differently afterward.
2) Increased Anxiety And Fear
Not knowing what happened or why it happened can cause chronic uncertainty and fear.
They may become hypervigilant, expecting bad things to happen again, especially if they sense adults are hiding the truth.
3) Distrust And Emotional Distance
If adults avoid talking about the event, children may begin to distrust caregivers, feeling that their emotions or experiences are being dismissed or invalidated.
This can impact attachment and emotional safety in their relationships.
4) Delayed Or Distorted Processing Of Trauma
Children might not be able to process or grieve the event in a healthy way without support or context.
Traumatic memories may become fragmented or distorted, contributing to PTSD symptoms later.
5) Behavioural Changes
They may exhibit regression (e.g., bedwetting, clinginess), aggression, withdrawal, or trouble at school.
These behaviours are often misunderstood by adults as defiance or bad behaviour rather than signs of distress.
6) Somatic Symptons
Emotional distress can manifest physically: stomach aches, headaches, or sleep disturbances are common when feelings are unexpressed or unacknowledged.
7) Difficulty Trusting Their Own Emotions
If adults pretend nothing happened or minimise the impact, children may learn to ignore or suppress their own emotional reactions, leading to issues with emotional regulation later in life.
Why Age-Appropriate Information Matters:
Giving children information that matches their developmental level helps them:
- Understand what happened in a way that makes sense to them.
- Feel included and respected.
- Begin to process their emotions in a healthy way.
- Learn that it’s safe to ask questions and talk about difficult things.
Here are some suggestions for parents:
Ages 6–10: Primary School Years
Children in this age range are developing logic and empathy but still think in concrete terms. They need simple, honest explanations with reassurance about safety.
How to Explain
Be clear and brief and avoiding euphemisms. The use of more concrete terms such as ‘it was a car accident’ or ‘people have died’ will be easier for the child to understand. Let them ask questions and repeat explanations if needed.
For example
“Something really sad happened. There was an accident, and [person] got very badly hurt and died.”
“What you saw was very scary. It’s okay to feel upset or confused. Grown-ups are here to help you.”
“You are safe now. The people who keep us safe, like the police and doctors, are helping.”
What They Need:
- Reassurance of physical and emotional safety.
- A space to talk, draw, or play out what they’ve experienced.
- Consistent routines to create a sense of normalcy.
- Permission to express a range of emotions (anger, sadness, guilt).
Ages 11–16: Preteens and Teenagers
Adolescents can think more abstractly and understand complex situations, but they still lack the full emotional regulation of adults. They often internalise distress or seek peer-based validation.
How to Explain
Offer truthful, detailed information, don’t avoid difficult facts, but match their readiness.
Be open and nonjudgmental when they express feelings or ask challenging questions.
For example
“What you saw was traumatic. It’s normal to feel shaken, angry, or confused. You’re not alone.”
“Do you want to talk about it now, or would you prefer space? Either way, I’m here when you’re ready.”
“You might be having thoughts or memories that feel overwhelming. That’s a common reaction after something like this.”
What They Need:
- Validation without pressure to talk.
- Help to name and understand their emotions.
- Encouragement to stay connected with friends and healthy activities.
- The option of counselling or peer support if they want it.
For Both Age Groups:
Avoid false reassurances (“Everything is fine”) and instead, say, “You’re safe now” or “We can work this out together.”
Revisit the conversation over time. Kids process trauma in layers, not all at once.
If you’re unsure how to answer a question, say: “That’s a really good question. Let me think about how to explain it best.”
But – always get back to them with something.
All Amy really needed from her parents was some age-appropriate information, so her brain had less of a chance to make up the worse possible scenario to send her spiralling into anxiety.
For more information and support on how to communicate better with your children, check out my summer parent and child/young person sessions, available through the summer.
Block of 3 sessions £149. Learn together, grow together and be better together.
Contact me – enquiries@susangraingertherapy.co.uk
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