Habits: A Case Study - Susan Grainger Therapy

Meet the ‘players’ in this piece –

The Fixer – meet Elsie

One part of an extremely dynamic and courageous duo that forms the partnership for a successful family run business. Fair, supportive and clear minded, the leap of faith to engage on this endeavour was a massive learning curve, especially in dealing with people – staff and clients alike.

The Provider – meet Alex

Heads up a small team at work, supporting a relatively niche but none the less profitable business. Steady, thoughtful, dependable, all the characteristics of a solid individual who exhibits unwavering loyalty to all his commitments.

The Reliable – meet Charlene

Strong, independent, clever and capable. A rising star in her industry, tipped for great success. Multi-talented with steadfast ability, a popular choice amongst peers and senior team members due to the reputation of ‘getting the job done’.

As we delve into their stories there comes apparent one thread of similarity – the habit that is strong, woven into their identity but has become the metaphoric millstone.

Let’s start with Elsie.

Elsie is in her mid 60’s, retired now and enjoying life. This wasn’t always the case though. In starting the business, everything that was dear and important was put in jeopardy and that was both exciting and dreadfully scary; ‘every day was a huge learning curve’ she explained.

The gamble paid off.

The aftermath of retiring from the front line as it were hot Elsie hard. ‘I just do not know what to do with myself anymore’.

The work, the business, the stress, had all become an integral part of her life and now it was gone. This left a void that no amount of social activities and family gatherings would fill.

‘I don’t know who I am beyond wife, mother, sister and friend, it’s depressing’. She came for some help.

On the opposite end of the scale is Charlene.

Just starting out on what promises to be an illustrious career. Charlene is in her late 20’s, single, career focused and driven. ‘I‘ve always been quite good at things, I worked hard I school and it paid off.’

Charlene enjoys her life although struggles sometimes with getting the balance right between work, family and social time. Over time this has created a bit of an issue and her health has suffered.

‘I find myself feelings isolated, alone and this is scary sometimes. I have started to cry at the slightest thing’ she explained.

It had all seemed to be getting ‘too much’ and she needed some help.

It was pretty similar for Alex.

Alex described himself as ‘coming from a working-class family’ and successfully managed to ‘break the mould’ of expectations. The only one of his siblings who went to university, he moved away from the tight knit community, both geographically and emotionally.

‘I’ve worked very hard to get where I am, but I still have a long way to go.’ There was no doubting the man’s tenacity, quiet strength and loyalty to the company he worked for. His goal was clear in his mind, and he was going to get there. His pragmatic approach was commendable and had seen him right so far, however, some small cracks were beginning to show, and it was leaving him feeling uncertain.

Now you have met the ‘cast’ as it were, let’s look at the similarities.

All these people had a wealth of talents skills and abilities that should have had them dancing with glee through life, feeling like they could charm the birds form the trees however, this was not the case. All were plagued with doubts, troubled with indecision and often riddled with misplaced guilt.

The habits that were formed early on in life had been good ones, applied and supported by the adults around them. But now they seemed to be backfiring and causing more harm than good.

‘Always do your best’
‘Keep trying, you’ll get there’
‘We believe in you, we have invested in your future’

I’m sure you will have your own from your childhood too. They are all well-meaning, supportive and innocuous, but to certain people at certain times they become a problem. A perpetual target to reach, never being quite ‘good enough’ and so propelling themselves to do more, go further, achieve the dizzying heights at whatever cost.

Our formative years are where a lot of habits are formed, or the habit of forming habits is a more accurate description. And now, in or adult years we don’t hesitate to repeat them, we don’t question them, even if they are not working for us.

There is a very good reason for this. It’s called the cue–routine–reward loop. This is how our brain works and what keeps us engaged in the ‘looping’ process until one day, something changes and it’s like a lightbulb has been suddenly turned on, illuminating the situation for what it is and leaving us with the question ‘why?’

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be delving into some habits that are less than helpful. There will be the more obvious ones like overeating, lack of motivation, smoking and such like but, as illustrated in the scenario’s above, the more obscure ones that you may not think of as habits at all; overthinking, self-sabotage behaviours, perfectionism, etc.