It's Obvious - Susan Grainger Therapy

It’s Obvious, Isn’t It?

Is this a question, a statement or a deflection from talking in more detail about a problem or issue?

Many of my clients, both adults and children, often say something along these lines.

When someone says, “It’s obvious, isn’t it?”, it can evoke a range of emotions and serve different functions in conversation, depending on tone, context, and the relationship between the people involved.

It may make the listener feel stupid because actually they are not sure what you mean but not confident enough to say this. This may lead to feeling ashamed or embarrassed and while you are dealing with all of that, you really aren’t in a position to hear what else is being said or indeed say or do anything useful.

You might act with irritation or annoyance, and so may the speaker. Before long, you’re arguing.

So, what makes this statement a possible deflection or distraction technique?

Replying to a question or comment in this way can convey the sub message that you don’t want to say what is going on. The speaker wants to avoid explaining their reasoning.
They are masking discomfort, insecurity, or a lack of clarity.
They’re trying to shut down deeper discussion or challenge.

Rather than engaging directly, they throw the burden of understanding (or agreement) onto the listener.

It can be difficult to form a suitable return when this happens. Here are a few of my suggestions:

“I’m afraid that It’s not obvious to me — could you walk me through it?”
“I might be missing something here. Can we go over it?”
“Maybe not for everyone. Want to unpack it together?”

These responses invite clarity without confrontation and subtly challenge the idea that something must be self-evident.

Recently, I had just such a situation in my clinic room.

Here’s a snapshot of the conversation from the first session with this client.

Therapy Session

Me:
So, you mentioned earlier that you sometimes feel like you’re just going through the motions. I’m curious – how is that a problem to you?

Client:
Well… I just feel numb most of the time. I go to work, I do what I’m supposed to, but it’s like I’m not really in my life. I’m just performing it.

Me:
That sounds exhausting. How does that affect other areas of your life?

Client:
It makes everything feel pointless. Like, I could disappear, and no one would even notice or care. I don’t even know what I enjoy anymore. I just keep doing what I’ve always done.

Me:
So would I be right in saying that you feel a sense of disconnection? Not only from yourself, but from others too?

Client:
Yeah. I keep thinking, “What’s the point?” But then I feel guilty for even thinking that, because I have a decent job, friends, a roof over my head. I should be grateful.

Me:
So, it makes you feel guilty? When you feel that guilt, what do you tend to do with it?

Client:
I push it down. Tell myself to stop being dramatic. That I’m just tired or need to be more disciplined or whatever. But it just builds.

Me:
It sounds like part of you is suffering silently while another part is telling you to ignore that suffering. That can create a lot of inner tension.

Client:
Yes. It’s like two voices. One says, “Something’s wrong.”. And the other says, “Shut up, you’re fine.”

Me:
That’s a powerful inner conflict and one that a lot of people carry. And often, when we suppress those signals that something’s wrong, they don’t disappear, they come out in other ways: burnout, numbness, even despair.

Client:
Exactly. I don’t know who I’m even doing all this for.

Me:
So to summarise and check I have this right, I’m hearing today is that you’re living a life that looks functional on the outside but feels increasingly empty and disconnected on the inside. There’s a part of you trying to get your attention; a part that’s saying, “This isn’t working for me,” even if you can’t yet define exactly what would work.

You’ve also highlighted an internal belief, a strong message that says: “Don’t complain. Be grateful. Keep going.” That message may have helped you survive at one point, but now it seems to be stifling the part of you that’s longing for something more meaningful and authentic.

In our work together, I’d like to create a space where both those parts. This could allow the one that feels lost and the one that keeps pushing through to speak freely. And we can begin to explore: What would it look like to live a life that feels like yours?

The sessions continued after this in a much more honest and insightful way, giving the client a much-needed opportunity to work out their own stuff using tried and tested techniques, personally tailored to their needs.

Top Tip for between sessions:

Meaningful Moments Tracker (Brief daily note)

Purpose: Notice moments of resonance or emptiness in daily life.

Each day, jot down:

One moment that felt meaningful (even slightly).
One moment that felt empty or automatic.

Don’t analyse it, record it.

This helps you tune in to what nourishes you vs. drains you.

Working on this level with an adult client gives me joy as a therapist. The change and growth will never cease to amaze and delight me.

But what about kids?

Let me walk you through a conversation that was told to me by a father of a 12-year-old.

Its 8:30 PM. The 12-year-old walks through the door, 30 minutes late. The parent is sitting on the couch, still in work clothes, exhausted, dinner untouched.

Parent:
(Sharp, frustrated tone)
Where have you been? It’s 8:30. You were supposed to be home by 8. I’ve been sitting here wondering if something happened to you!

Child:
(Defensive)
God, relax. Duh, I thought that was obvious! We went for milkshakes after the movie. Everyone else stayed too.

Parent:
(Eyes narrow, voice raised)
“Duh”? Are you kidding? Don’t speak to me like that! I’ve worked all day and the one thing I asked was for you to be back by 8.

Child:
(Shrinking slightly)
It wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t think you’d care this much.

Parent:
Not a big deal? I’ve been exhausted, worried, wondering where you were, and you just stroll in like it’s nothing?

Child:
(Angry now)
You’re always mad about something. I just wanted to hang out for once without getting grilled.

Parent:
(Pause, takes a breath, softer but tired)
I’m not trying to ruin your night, okay? I’m just… tired. I worry. And when I don’t hear from you, my brain goes to all the worst places. You’re only 12. I’m still responsible for you.

Child:
(Quiet)
I didn’t mean to scare you. I just didn’t want to leave when everyone else was staying.

Parent:
(Sighs)
I get that. But you can’t just assume I know where you are. I’m not mad about milkshakes. I’m mad because I didn’t know. And I’m too tired to keep chasing you down.

Child:
(Looking down)
Sorry. I should’ve texted.

Parent:
(More gently)
Yeah. Just… next time, check in. Even if it’s a two-second message. I need to be able to trust you. That’s how you get more freedom, not by disappearing.

Child:
Okay.

Familiar?

Learning to negotiate, redefine boundaries, and deal with your child hurtling towards puberty can get the better of most parents.

It can be painful, frustrating and down-right bewildering living with a pre-teen. It can take much trial and error, which usually results in arguments and insults flying, to gain any kind of middle ground. Navigating this stage is not for the faint-hearted.

Need some insight? Try my webinar:

“The Pre-Teen Puzzle: Understanding, Connecting & Guiding Without Losing Your Mind”

Duration: 90 minutes, on Zoom, £35.
Audience: Parents/caregivers of children ages 9–13

Webinar Goals: