Expressing Needs
I listen; I empathise. Life can be really tough, deal the most rubbish of cards and throw things at you from left of centre on a regular basis.
One question I often ask is “what do you need?”
There is often quite a pause at this point.
Why do we find it difficult to express our needs as an adult?
The question ‘what do you need?’ is a powerful and deeply human question. There are several interconnected reasons why expressing our needs as adults can be difficult. Let’s take a moment to explore some possibilities:
1. Early Conditioning.
Early conditioning refers to your childhood experiences as these often teach us that expressing needs is “selfish,” “needy,” or “inconvenient.” Our vulnerability in these situations means that the response we receive is crucial.
If we were punished, ignored, or misunderstood when we expressed vulnerability, we may have learned to suppress those instincts.
2. Fear of Rejection or Judgment
As adults, we often worry that expressing a need will push others away, make us seem too emotional, or needy and make us look weak.
This fear can lead to shame, overthinking or second-guessing: “What if I’m asking too much?” or “What if they think I’m being dramatic?”
3. Lack of Emotional Vocabulary
Many people were never taught how to articulate emotions and needs clearly. This can happen for many reasons in childhood and even the most well-meaning parents and caregivers may have set up an unconscious thought that turns into a belief.
We might feel something strongly but not have the words or framework to explain it constructively.
4. Cultural or Gender Norms
Some cultures or gender expectations value stoicism or independence, discouraging people from showing vulnerability or reliance on others.
For example, “real men don’t ask for help” or “strong women handle things on their own” can become internalised beliefs.
5. Fear of Conflict
Expressing our needs in an effective way may mean setting boundaries, disappointing someone, or changing a relationship dynamic, all of which can feel risky, destabilising and scary.
Because of the risk factors, some people avoid voicing their needs to keep the peace, even at personal cost. This then can become a habit for other areas in life.
6. Not Knowing What We Truly Need
Modern life is often busy, distracted, and disconnected. Many adults don’t take time to check in with themselves.
It’s hard to express a need when you haven’t paused to recognise or understand it yet.
7. Past Traumas or Unresolved Experiences
Previous experiences of betrayal, neglect, or abandonment can create emotional armour.
Expressing needs may feel unsafe because it opens the door to potential hurt or disappointment.
This all may paint a most depressing picture, however, with this mostly being ‘learned behaviour’ we can learn another approach which better fits for ourselves today.
Healing Starts With:
- Self-awareness: noticing your needs without judgment.
- Small steps: expressing a simple preference or request, even if it feels awkward.
- Safe relationships: practicing with people who respect and care about you.
- Therapy or coaching: learning tools for self-expression and emotional resilience.
Would you like help identifying a need you’re finding difficult to express right now? https://www.susangraingertherapy.co.uk/enquiries/
What happens if we continually deny our needs for the sake of others?
Continually denying your own needs for the sake of others can have serious and long-lasting emotional, psychological, and even physical consequences. While short-term sacrifices are sometimes necessary in relationships, making a habit of suppressing your needs leads to a deep kind of erosion:
1. Emotional Exhaustion & Burnout
You deplete your emotional energy by constantly giving without receiving or replenishing.
This can lead to feelings of overwhelm, resentment, and fatigue—even when you can’t pinpoint why.
2. Resentment Toward Others
Over time, denying your needs can make you feel unseen, unappreciated, or taken for granted.
Even if others aren’t doing it intentionally, you may start to resent them for expecting (or benefiting from) your silence.
3. Loss of Identity
When you constantly prioritize others, you may lose touch with your own desires, passions, or values.
You might begin to ask: “Who am I, really?” or “What do I even want?”
4. Anxiety, Depression, and Low Self-Worth
Chronic self-denial sends a message to your brain: “My needs don’t matter.”
Over time, this can lower self-esteem and contribute to mental health struggles, including anxiety and depression.
5. Damaged Relationships
Ironically, denying your needs to maintain harmony often leads to emotional distance, passive aggression, or conflict.
People can sense when something is off, even if it’s unspoken. It can create confusion and mistrust.
6. Physical Health Issues
Chronic stress from self-neglect can affect your immune system, sleep, digestion, and increase the risk of illnesses like heart disease or autoimmune disorders.
7. Emotional Outbursts or Shut-Down
Bottled-up needs often don’t stay buried. They can explode in unexpected anger or cause emotional numbing and withdrawal—which can confuse both you and the people around you.
Honouring Your Needs Isn’t Selfish
It’s a form of self-respect and it also leads to healthier relationships, because people know you honestly and can connect with the real you.
If this pattern resonates with you, a gentle first step might be to ask:
“What do I need right now that I’m not allowing myself to want?”
Or even: “When was the last time I said yes to myself?”
Would you like help learning how to begin advocating for yourself in a kind, clear way?
Learning to advocate for your needs is a skill, not a personality trait. You’re not “bad” at it; you just may not have had space or support to practice. Let’s start with a gentle framework you can begin using right away:
A Simple, Kind Framework for Advocating for Your Needs
1. Pause and Identify the Need
Start by asking yourself: “What am I feeling right now?” or “What do I need more of or less of?” or even, “What would help me feel supported/safe/seen right now?”
Example: “I feel drained after always being the one to plan everything. I need a break and help with responsibility.”
2. Use “I” Statements (Not Blame)
This helps you take ownership of your need without triggering defensiveness in others.
Instead of: “You never help me.” Try: “I’m feeling really overwhelmed and would appreciate help with planning this weekend.”
3. Be Clear and Specific
Vague statements like “I need space” or “I need support” can confuse people. Try to be clear about what you need, when, and how.
Example: “I’d like to take 30 minutes after work just to decompress before jumping into family stuff. Could we try that this week?”
4. Normalise Your Need
Remind yourself (and others if needed) that having needs doesn’t make you weak—it makes you human.
Example: “I’ve realized I’ve been trying to do everything on my own, but I know I function better when I ask for help. I’m working on speaking up more.”
5. Start Small
You don’t have to overhaul your life overnight. Practice with low-stakes situations to build confidence.
Example: “I’d actually prefer pizza over sushi tonight. Would that be okay?”
6. Expect Discomfort But Don’t Let It Stop You
It might feel awkward, guilty, or even a bit scary at first. That’s okay. That’s just old conditioning showing up — not a sign you’re doing something wrong.
Reassurance: It’s Not Selfish to Have Needs
You are allowed to:
- Take up space.
- Ask for rest.
- Say no without apology.
- Want to be heard, supported, and considered.
What happens on the run up to Christmas?
This is typically a time when our own needs drop right to the bottom of the list so look out for a more themed version of these ideas that feels more like a gentle invitation to honour your needs.
Look out for the details of social media from 28th October, for the launch of a specially formatted landing page all about keeping your head together on the run up to Christmas. Loads of hints, practical tips and fun stuff to ensure you can enjoy this time of year as much as everyone else!