“Do you know what really bugs me?” a client asked recently, “people who do half a job.”

My original thought was ‘yes, I can relate’ and then I asked, “how so?”

The answer they gave was interesting in many ways, we discussed this for a time and forged a list of ‘crimes’ that my client had experienced with various people and various situations. One that struck me was a brief conversation with a young teenager, in the home situation. On leaving home for work early one morning, my client requested that said teenager could unload the dishwasher, to which they received a sort of acknowledging grunt (I’m sure this is a familiar verbal exchange to any of those who have lived with teenagers!) On returning home from work my client was dismayed to find this task (simple as it was) had not been completed. A terse exchange then occurred. The upshot of this, and in the teenager’s defence, they had not been specifically tasked with the joy of emptying the dishwasher. My client was non-plussed to say the least.

Our exploration of this seemingly obvious request, and the lack of participation and cooperation from the teenager revealed many other times, situations and people this had also happened with.

It got me thinking…

My question to myself on reflection of the client session was – what went wrong or was amiss in this verbal exchange?

Here are some of my thoughts…

Was the initial request clear? Here, I thought, was language being a little ambiguous? My client had stated that the teenager could unload the dishwasher.

What response did I notice when faced with a similar statement? Basically – it was a fact (if they had unloaded the dishwasher on a previous occasion) and, did it hold an element of choice?

The language in this exchange is neither weird or complicated, in fact, it is routine and mundane. The big factor here is – was it clear?

Commands are something that many of us shy away from. They can be seen as abrupt, rude, arrogant even. But they do hold a place in society in order to get things done.

The trick is to change the way you feel about commands so they can be used more effectively and constructively. And how and when you issue commands to increase their effectiveness.

Take for instance, the age-old question we ask as parents; ‘are you ready for bed?’

Depending on the age of the child, you could get anything from a grunt to a full on melt down with tears and shouting involved, or possibly a simple ‘no’.

We are then perplexed and having to deal with another issue. Problem – it was a question, not a command.

A command would be more like ‘it’s time for bed’ – no element of choice. Do not imply choice where there is not one, there are plenty of other things to give choices on.

Of course, this is no guarantee that the emotional outburst may not occur also, but it is a simple clearly stated command and can be reiterated if necessary and backed up with behaviour rewards, verbal praise and sanctions when necessary.

I have used examples of children and young people here, but the same is true for adults. In the workplace, at home, in groups, when out shopping think about the commands versus other forms of communication such as body language, and how the question or request needs to be clear.

A few tips on giving commands:

1. One at a time. This is especially true for children, teenagers, busy people, people with memory issues, etc. More progress will be made when issuing information in small chunks. Once completed or dealt with, there is an opportunity to praise, or thank or acknowledge in some way. This can be very motivating and engaging.
2. Make it realistic. Ensure that what is being asked is appropriate to that person’s skill set, job role, age and stage of development (for children). It is unreasonable to expect a four-year-old to keep a bathroom clean, or for anyone to eat everything on their plate just as much as is it to over-commit work to someone who is already really busy or needs to leave early that day.
3. Make it clear. Vague or unclear requests will often lead to frustration, anger and disappointment. To avoid these, ensure that you are clear with what you want. Please unload the dishwasher before I come home at 4pm today. And, if you want the pots actually putting away into the cupboards, put that plainly too. Deadlines can really help to focus the mind and give a clear expectation of when things need to be completed by. This is an excellent life lesson! Once the task has been completed, a reward can be given. If, however, the task is not done, then an agreed sanction may be enforced.

So, back to my client and what bugs them.

Incomplete, unclear and woolly requests and language are unhelpful and can be frustrating. If you want help, then some groundwork would stand you in good stead.

Practice being clear with questions. This may mean scheduling some time for yourself to understand what you need help with, what needs and can be suitably delegated and what rewards, incentives and sanctions could be applied.

In my client’s case, I suggested a family meeting to agree some simple rules and delegate some household tasks. This was to promote more of a sense of working together and sharing the load and responsibility. And the teenager was happy with the incentive of more screen time and a little pocket money. Win, win.

This gave my client some much needed down time in which they could rest and pursue a hobby.

For more information about how I work with children and families, please use this link.

For more information on how to implement effective self-care, click here.

Come and tell me what bugs you! And for any questions, or queries on how I may be able to help, please email me on enquiries@susangraingertherapy.co.uk for a free, no obligation chat.