Parent – “Put your coat on, we are off out!”
Child – “No”
Parent – “Put your coat on, its freezing outside.”
Child – “No”
Parent – in a pleading voice “Please put your coat on….I don’t want you to be cold.”
Child – “No”
Parent – “Look, I’m putting my coat on, let’s put yours on”
Child – “No”
Parent – “Why don’t you ever do as you’re told?” (exasperated)

Sound familiar?

How many of us have been in this situation with a child? It is such a common issue when we try to impart our adult wisdom on a young person with much less life experience but a will of iron!

What we do next helps shape the child’s behaviour going forward and therefore can be crucial in avoiding further arguments and frustration.

What’s likely to happen is that we may try to cajole, or physically put the coat on the child. We may also give up. Or we may get cross and say some things we will inevitably regret later when the heat has reduced.

This is a great time to allow natural consequences to take over.

Let me explain what I mean.

In this type of situation, we, the adult, are usually attempting to avoid some unpleasant outcome. In the case of the coat, the worse thing that is going to happen is that the child will be cold – this is the natural consequence element. If you can live with this for a short time go for it as it will be a great opportunity to practice, and then you can give the child a choice of whether to stay as they are or put their coat on, they will probably put it on, although, it may not be on the first time!

The next very important part is to praise once the coat is on. We often feel the need to rehash the situation and ask the child why they didn’t just put their coat on in the first place. This is definitely not helpful. What is helpful is the learning opportunities.

In being able to see the sequence through, the child may have begun to understand that your advice is right, and so they learn to trust what you say. By noticing the cold, they will understand more about the world and the effects weather has on them. Also, by not chastising or over explaining the child has the chance to work things out for themselves, developing their own problem-solving skills. Another more challenging learning curve is living with the consequences of their own behaviour.

This example of course relates to a younger child, but what if the same or similar conversation was happening with a teenager who doesn’t want to comply with a house rule, or complete their homework?

As children do not come with a manual, parenting and caring for them can be a minefield, which often leaves us feeling fraught, frustrated and out of our depth. So, if family life doesn’t seem to be going well for you, check out what options are available to access support with these issues.